I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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