I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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