Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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