what day is it and did you see me today?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
