she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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