the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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