Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
