Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
