True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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