Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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