and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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