I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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