The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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