I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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