you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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