I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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