Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
