Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
