I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my poor anus
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
