got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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