Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
