Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
