you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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