Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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