i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
