i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
