I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
