well I can't set my house on fire every night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
