And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
