I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
