Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
