just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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