I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
