Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
