how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
