My Higher Power is John Stamos
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
