what day is it and did you see me today?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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