mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
