We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
