I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
