My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize