my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
