Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize