3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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