It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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