I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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