Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
