I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
