Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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