I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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