No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
