Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dicks are not precious.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
