hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
