Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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