Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
is wine microwaveable?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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