Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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