I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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