When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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