just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
