I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
