could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
