I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
