smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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