my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
