clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
