Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
