I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
