All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
